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Sebastian Aviña

... solo un blog más ...

Illah reveals the secret to long lasting relationships.

viernes, abril 13, 2012

Illah reveals the secret to long lasting relationships.

A lot of the top responses are specific moments or horror stories which are funny and all, but I'm gonna try and go to the root of all of those fights and blow ups. Basically it's all in how you disagree.

There's no such thing as two people perfect for each other, and how you approach the friction is what either strengthens or eats away at a relationship. This isn't about being "nice" or "not yelling" - some people are very happy with each other but during tough moments kinda blow up. Believe it or not that's not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, just as people who speak calmly and quietly are not always happy.

What's poisonous is contempt and resentment. When you disagree, do you discuss the issue or the person? Is it, "I want sushi, but you want pizza" or is it, "You always want sushi, I never get pizza."

Subtle difference, but those little things are so much more important than most people realize. The latter phrase shows the person is the problem, uses absolute always/never language which pushes the other away, shows that someone is "keeping score" and thus not letting go of negative feelings (resentment), and a sense of blaming the partner for "causing" the pain and disregard for the partner's desires (contempt).

Once the problem is your partner rather than the situation/issue/disagreement/etc then you're on the road to unhappiness no matter how you slice it.

In my case this is all knowledge gained in hindsight. It took my divorce for me to see this, and see that I was contributing just as much bullshit as she was, and that nobody is really to blame. You can only change yourself, and I look forward to not making the same mistakes next time around, and finding a partner mature enough to match my newfound emotional wisdom.

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